The Situation: January 21st, 2013.
by Perscrutator.SARAH PALIN, having quit her job with Fox News, has a 6 hour daily talk show on KMBQ in Wasilla, Alaska. She will offer weighty analysis of and policy advice on national and international affairs, share her favorite recipes for moose jerky, push her latest book/ video/ commemorative plate, and complain about how the mainstream media simultaneously gave her too much and too little attention.
MICHELLE BACHMAN was sequestered by her handlers after the unfortunate feces-throwing incident with reporters at a press conference after Gary Johnson picked up the GOP candidacy for the 2012 presidential race. That disappointment, combined with photos of her husband passing out flyers for their counseling clinic at a gay brothel in Bangkok, together were thought to be what sent her into a fit of unintelligible gibbering.
Nonetheless, a leaked style sheet from FOX NEWS still directs staff to refer to her and PALIN as “the strong, beautiful Conservative Amazons who strike terror into the hearts of liberals.”
HARRY REID, NANCY PELOSI, MITCH MCCONNELL, ERIC CANTOR and JOHN BOEHNER were all replaced in the 2012 elections.
REID’s memoirs were shipped directly from the printer to a pulping facility to make paper for MCCONNELL’s memoirs. A few signed copies of both mens’ books were offered on ebay with a minimum bid of $1.00 but there were no takers . The books were inscribed, “To my best friend for life, Christmas 2012 with warmest wishes.”
PELOSI moved to San Francisco and entered into a polygamous gay marriage with BARBARA BOXER and DIANNE FEINSTEIN. The women are selling a line of homemade organic chutneys.
JOHN BOEHNER was not seen in public again, but there are persistent rumors that he cried himself to death.
Former House Majority Leader ERIC CANTOR is mulling over superhero identities and consulting with NEWT GINGRICH about a political comeback. GINGRICH meanwhile denounced the 2012 presidential election as a “distraction” and maintains steadfastly that his bid for president is still viable. His staff, now reduced to his wife CALLISTA, is calling every mall and casino in the US offering reduced rates for speaking engagements. CALLISTA’s infamous Lexapro/methamphetamine snapshot is still used to scare children into eating their Brussel sprouts.
President GARY JOHNSON has made it clear that his top priority is the formation of a viable, working coalition of Congressional moderates of all parties. He has put the DEA, DHS, and the Pentagon on notice for major, phased reductions in their budget in the years to come. In most of his policy suggestions he has earned significant support from all living ex-Presidents. JOHNSON has suggested reporters refer to him as “Gary” or “The Dude” and created a media sensation when he offered the Rolling Stone interviewer a blunt.
Ex-President BARACK OBAMA’s refusal of the Democratic presidential nomination created a political uproar. The Democrats were unable to find another nominee, and basically JOHNSON ran unopposed. Nonetheless he garnered an impressive number of votes when a large number of medical marijuana dispensaries offered discounts and promotions in exchange for “I Voted” stickers from polling places.
Last revised 29 July 2011
